I can buy my own flowers, but I'm like really tired.

Being single and craving safe intimacy

There are times when all I crave is being held. The paradox is: the more empowered, self-actualised, and independent I become, the more I long for the big, safe arms of a man - where I can soften, feel safe, and relax into my femininity. It doesn’t mean I want to give up my freedom or become a tradwife. I love my life. But I feel recharged, like my cup fills up, when I’m able to surrender into softness with a man who feels safe.

So what do we do when we’re single?

#1: We deny our feelings.

We try to avoid the longing completely. We tell ourselves we don’t need a man, we don’t need touch or closeness. We make ourselves busier at work, busier with friends. But it never works. The craving always returns, usually from the shadows when our guard is down (like after too many drinks!!) and it just makes things worse. Pushing our needs down or distracting ourselves never fixes the problem.

So we move on to...

#2: We download Hinge.

In the 21st-century Western world, we can be talking to a new guy in five minutes, on a date that night or by the end of the week. Technology is right there, for better or for worse. But the casual date usually leaves us feeling even emptier.

Why? Because we’re not craving newness, or nerves, flirty banter, or lust. We’re craving safety. Warmth. Real touch. To be seen. But most of the time, in casual dating, guys are craving the opposite. Unless a guy is truly ready to settle down, he doesn’t want to feel relied on. He wants sex, lightness, and freedom from the responsibility of caring for someone emotionally.

Cue our perfect nightmare: everything that makes us feel like we’re too much, unloveable, and not worthy.

So then we...

#3: Romanticise the person we last felt that way with.

Usually it’s an ex, or someone from a failed situationship. We start looking at him through rose-coloured glasses. We convince ourselves it wasn’t that bad. Maybe we could make it work. We chase the memory of the last time we felt even a glimpse of safety.

But that’s not the answer either. Most of the time, it just makes everything a million times worse.

So what do we do?

Honestly, I don’t know. The only real answer is starting from the beginning. Like that saying, the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago, what we’re craving is deep, real connection. And that means we have to start creating it.

It probably means deleting Hinge, stopping the drinking and random kisses, and no longer closing off our hearts or denying our needs.

We have to become the kind of women who are open to love, rooted in our own energy, grounded, emotionally available, and honest with ourselves. Women who attract loving, secure relationships because we’re already cultivating that kind of intimacy within.

We have to shift our energy into alignment with the kind of people we want to invite into our lives. We have to choose partners we can build with, slowly and patiently, who, over time offer the safety and warmth we’re really longing for.

But that takes time. It takes effort. And we can’t just click our fingers and make it happen.

(Unless someone invents an app just for guys who want to cuddle and make us feel safe. In that case, we can reevaluate.)

In the meantime, to all the guys out there: if you want a girlfriend, fill up her cup. Make her feel safe. Help her relax into her feminine energy. That might look like making the dinner reservation, cooking her dinner, organising her Uber or picking her up, doing what you say you will / being reliable, and offering safe, grounding touch (like a hug or rubbing her hand). Not so she becomes some weird submissive housewife, but so she can recharge. And then go back out into the world and do whatever she wants.